The weather here won't make up it's mind. It's 72 one day and 42 the next. I blame the crazy shifts in the weather for the nasty cold I have right now. And I'm going to blame the nasty cold & my foggy head for this incoherent, bullet list post. (How was that for a lame segue?)
* An alliterative rant at Starbucks - The Ready Brew Vanilla Via is vile.
*A few weeks ago, I left my car overnight in a parking garage downtown. (A day of tailgating followed by drinks downtown = cab home.) When I picked up the car the next morning, there was a strange substance on the passenger side window. As I drove home, I pondered what it could be. It sort of looked like someone threw a taco at my window and let it slide down. But that seemed implausible as the nearest late night taco place is many miles away. And who would waste a taco?
Rather than say, take the car to the car wash, I continued to ponder the origin of the substance. It was the topic of much discussion with the lucky passengers in my car that week. A coworker suggested little person vomit** but that too seemed implausible. (The height was right but the substance field was too narrow.) (Totally disgusted yet?) (Yeah, I'm gross.) The origin of the mystery substance was really starting to bother me. (Strangely, driving around with the revolting window gunk - not so much.)
Finally, last week, it was suggested that perhaps the mystery window substance was the result of someone spitting dip on my window. (Classy.) By golly, I think that's it! Mystery solved. I feel so much better now. (And I should really get to the car wash soon.) Can you believe I just made you read that ridiculous story? Me neither.
Rather than say, take the car to the car wash, I continued to ponder the origin of the substance. It was the topic of much discussion with the lucky passengers in my car that week. A coworker suggested little person vomit** but that too seemed implausible. (The height was right but the substance field was too narrow.) (Totally disgusted yet?) (Yeah, I'm gross.) The origin of the mystery substance was really starting to bother me. (Strangely, driving around with the revolting window gunk - not so much.)
Finally, last week, it was suggested that perhaps the mystery window substance was the result of someone spitting dip on my window. (Classy.) By golly, I think that's it! Mystery solved. I feel so much better now. (And I should really get to the car wash soon.) Can you believe I just made you read that ridiculous story? Me neither.
* I heard Tracy Morgan recently had a kidney transplant. Which reminded me of this gem:
I wish I could find a video of the actual clip from the show, but it wasn't available on YouTube. Side note: If don't watch 30 Rock, I feel sorry for you. You're missing the best show on TV.
* I don't drink calories. It's a rule I have. I eat plenty of them, so I don't like to drink them. There are two longstanding exceptions to this otherwise firm rule: alcohol and Starbucks. After many years, I believe I'm ready to add a seasonal exception to this list: apple cider. So delicious. And worth the extra jiggle in my middle.
* Why are people so pissy during the holidays? It's the most wonderful time of the year people! You know the crabby jerks I'm talking about - they seem to multiply as Christmas approaches, don't they? (I understand the holidays can be a hard time for some people, but that's not what I'm talking about. Sad is understandable, grinchy is not.) If you didn't start your Christmas shopping until December 20th, you have no one to blame but yourself. Quit driving like an a-hole in the mall parking lot, don't scowl at your fellow grocery store shoppers and stop whining loudly in your cube about how badly you need a vacation. This has been a holiday PSA.
**As in person of small stature, not a child. I asked the twitter-verse and apparently midget is offensive and "little person" is the preferred term. If you ask me, little person sounds more offensive and is potentially confusing, as to me a little person is a child but what do I know. I'm not here to offend people, even if "midget vomit" sounds way better than "little person vomit."
I wish I could find a video of the actual clip from the show, but it wasn't available on YouTube. Side note: If don't watch 30 Rock, I feel sorry for you. You're missing the best show on TV.
* I don't drink calories. It's a rule I have. I eat plenty of them, so I don't like to drink them. There are two longstanding exceptions to this otherwise firm rule: alcohol and Starbucks. After many years, I believe I'm ready to add a seasonal exception to this list: apple cider. So delicious. And worth the extra jiggle in my middle.
* Why are people so pissy during the holidays? It's the most wonderful time of the year people! You know the crabby jerks I'm talking about - they seem to multiply as Christmas approaches, don't they? (I understand the holidays can be a hard time for some people, but that's not what I'm talking about. Sad is understandable, grinchy is not.) If you didn't start your Christmas shopping until December 20th, you have no one to blame but yourself. Quit driving like an a-hole in the mall parking lot, don't scowl at your fellow grocery store shoppers and stop whining loudly in your cube about how badly you need a vacation. This has been a holiday PSA.
**As in person of small stature, not a child. I asked the twitter-verse and apparently midget is offensive and "little person" is the preferred term. If you ask me, little person sounds more offensive and is potentially confusing, as to me a little person is a child but what do I know. I'm not here to offend people, even if "midget vomit" sounds way better than "little person vomit."
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13 comments:
Ha, this is way too funny.
I agree about people shopping. Way too crazy.
i LOVE random rant/rave posts.. in TOTAL agreement with you on the drink calories--i'd much rather have a cookie than a milkshake!
and yes, scrooges during the holidays--i just don't get it!!
Hilarious car obsessing. I think little person, drunken vomit is a lot grosser than dip spit. But dip spit is pretty gross...who does that? Glad the mystery was solved!
haha love this mess! Agreed - 30 rock is one of the best shows on tv and it's so weird to me that so many ppl don't watch it! I'm also a follower of the don't drink calories rule, with the same exceptions of alcohol and starbucks!
I have missed you and your funny posts. I am with you on not drinking calories!
I was so shocked to hear about Tracy Morgan's kidney transplant-- it turns out that he has had diabetes for something like 15 years, so I suppose it wasn't a complete surprise, but still! I need my 30 Rock.
And AMEN TIMES INFINITY on not understanding the holiday curmudgeons. Here is a medium-long story: I watched Miracle on 34th Street last night for the first time (I know, I know), and when I walked out to turn off the Christmas lights, there was a little flower arrangement on our porch. There was a split second when I was like, "Santa?" The flowers were from my in-laws, but still! The holidays! They are magic!
I am psychotic about not drinking my calories- I do not get why people do! Except for booze of course!
Seriously, Melissa, a whole week with mystery DNA on your window! How did you even get in your car? If it is still on your window when you are home for Christmas, it will get cleaned for you. Daddy of course. GROSS Mom xxxxoo
I am the same way--no liquid calories! I'd rather have a piece of pizza :)
When you said little person, I really thought you were talking about a child! :) I am with you on the grinchy christmas people, this happens every year people!!
Great post! and nice PSA...I hate grumpy people all year long!
You crack me up!
I have had vomit on my car before and it is a nightmare to clean off. I can't imagine what it was like to get dip off. ew ew ew.
Dip spit is so digusting!
Your posts crack me up.
People are psychotic right now. I got rammed into by some crazy person on the sidewalk the other day during rush hour. This dude just CHARGED at me - intentionally. Now I wonder if he was trying to see my reaction and then take off with my purse or something. Either way it hurt like he11.
Happy holidays!
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