Pregnancy tests should come with anti-anxiety medication.
You laugh but I'm serious. Each box should contain a stick to pee on and a pill to calm you the eff down while you wait for the results. And then try for the next 45 minutes to decipher them.
In a situation in which accuracy and certainty is paramount, you'd think these pregnancy tests would be a bit more clear. Well, let me tell you. Most of these suckers are anything but clear.
I give you Exhibit A. The picture of my confusion.
I took the test on the bottom on Thursday, December 2, 2010. The instructions said a blue line in the round window means you're pregnant. It looked negative to me so I tossed it in the trash. (Yes, I later fished it out of the trash. I know, gross.)
The next day, Friday, I thought I should take another test just to be sure because we had a big day of tailgating & football (i.e. drinking) planned for Saturday. On the off chance I was pregnant, I didn't want to get my baby all boozed up on Bud Light and sweet tea vodka. That will have to wait until the little one is at 12. (I kid, I kid.) So I took the test on top. A plus sign in the round window means you're pregnant. Do you see the faintest of faint vertical lines? I thought maybe I did. But it was so light I thought maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see instead of what was there.
This is when I fished test #1 out of the trash. This time, I thought I saw the very faintest of lines I hadn't seen the day before. At this point I'm standing in the bathroom squinting at two sticks I have peed on wondering what the hell they mean and coming damn near close to hyperventilating. I have a friggin' law degree and I can't read a simple pregnancy test. Pathetic.
So, I did what I should have done in the first place. I got in the car, drove to Walgreens and picked up a digital pregnancy test.
The two minutes I waited for that test to stop flashing and tell me "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" might have been the longest of my life. Finally, the display stopped flashing and the word "Pregnant" appeared on the screen.
This is when the anti-anxiety medication really would have come in handy.
If you find yourself in the market for pregnancy tests, please for the love of all that is good and holy, do yourself a favor and pick up a digital test. You won't be sorry.
And because I can't get enough Juno...
Juno: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...
Juno: I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.
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30 comments:
"You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's your's just because you marked it with your urine!"
Haha! I love the Juno references. I just know I'm going to be confused if I use the non digital ones!
I'm cracking up as I read this b/c my brother has this saying he always uses: "Poss not def". As in, "Hey are you meeting us at happy hour tonight?" Him: "Possibly; not definitely".
Anyway, the term really annoys me because it's such a tentative answer. But we always joke about how much of a mind f*ck would it be if there were pregnancy tests, for example, that came up with that answer: "poss not def". But seems like quasi horizontal lines are essentially the same thing as saying "Yea, you're possibly pregnant but not definitely pregnant". I would need a xanax STAT!
Want to know what would be funny? Instead of the digital tests saying "pregnant" or "not pregnant" - if they said "pregnant" or "nope, just a food baby."
I love your pregnancy posts! It helps me plan for when it's my turn some day!
Oh my! I see how you could have been confused!
Digital is the way to go!!! lol
Juno is one of my all time favorite movies! Great quote. And I agree about the pregnancy test anxiety - you can't be kind of pregnant but some of those tests make you feel like you are!
This is interesting! ANd hilarious. I shall file this away for the future!
Congrats! Just an FYI for the readers...those pregnancy tests are usually not accurate after a certain amount of time. I.e. The results after two hours aren't valid v. 10 mins or whatever the wait time is.
The test is measuring the amount of pregnancy hormones in your urine. If you are newly preggo there are less - hence why the "line" tests have trouble giving you a clear answer.
Bottom line...unless your period has been MIA for a while, I'd stick to digital.
Ha! Love it. I peed on one of the line ones and the sucker was so dark that it blew me away. I think I'm very much in the minority though. We did get a digital one just so that my husband (who has a medical background mind you) would believe that I was really preggers.
Congrats again!
laughing out loud. You are hysterical. Thanks for the entertainment today.
xoxo
Hysterical. And congrats!!!
Don't feel bad, the line tests are deceptive little mofos. I did the same thing.
I love the Juno references, you are too funny!
Just remember the phrase, "a line is a line is a line!"
Loooooovvvve Juno! And I agree on the PT!! They gotta be quick and clear! What about the idiots of the world?!?!
so funny :) I couldn't understand the test and you couldn't see the lines! I would have had a heart attack.
I stumbled across your blog today through a friend and this made me laugh. I'm on baby #2 and STILL made the same went through 3 tests (the 3rd being digital) to be sure! A faint line means pregnant, but it sure is nice to see the word in bold to know for sure. Congratulations to you and your family!
I love this post! So funny and cute - also, I bet everyone goes though those SAME feeling and thoughts and confusion. Glad you figured it out eventually!
Why aren't they all digital?!?! That just seems like way too much work in an already nerve wracking situation!
This was hilarious! Oh, the fun to look forward to someday.
What I want to know...did you share everything with your hubs? Or were you planning on sitting around patiently waiting for him to get home and then you calmly tell him "You're going to be a daddy!" You know, like the commercials. Ha!
Ahh, I can't imagine how incredibly stressful that must have been!!!
love this!!!! can only imagine what went through your head (or came out of your mouth!) during that time ... ha! gotta love the digitals. :)
LOl I hear yA and agree about the digital versions!!
Congratulations!!! How exciting!! Love the anti-anxiety meds idea, sounds right up my alley!
Congratulations. ANd, I have never ever fished a pregnancy test out of the trash **cough cough**
Now I want to go watch Juno!
hahaha!!! Love this! I also like the convo with Juno and 'dwight' Fertle Myrtle, your eggo is preggo!
Congrats!
It's so funny because it's real! I think most have a similiar story about the, is it? isn't it there (the line)? I always thought I tainted them by peeing on them too much! haha
I love Juno too! I forget how funny it is, although you should be warned about watching it while pregnant and/or after your baby gets here! Very emotional!
I can totally see how you could have been confused! What a cute post, by the way.
So happy for you!
love this post! Funny thing~ I used the dollar tree pregnancy test!!! HAHA!! Since I have used over 50 pregnancy test, all being negative, I resorted to the dollar tree for peace of mind before a night out! =) Go figure, they actually worked for me- but I was over 7 weeks pregnant when I used them! =)
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