Pregnancy tests should come with anti-anxiety medication.
You laugh but I'm serious. Each box should contain a stick to pee on and a pill to calm you the eff down while you wait for the results. And then try for the next 45 minutes to decipher them.
In a situation in which accuracy and certainty is paramount, you'd think these pregnancy tests would be a bit more clear. Well, let me tell you. Most of these suckers are anything but clear.
I give you Exhibit A. The picture of my confusion.
I took the test on the bottom on Thursday, December 2, 2010. The instructions said a blue line in the round window means you're pregnant. It looked negative to me so I tossed it in the trash. (Yes, I later fished it out of the trash. I know, gross.)
The next day, Friday, I thought I should take another test just to be sure because we had a big day of tailgating & football (i.e. drinking) planned for Saturday. On the off chance I was pregnant, I didn't want to get my baby all boozed up on Bud Light and sweet tea vodka. That will have to wait until the little one is at 12. (I kid, I kid.) So I took the test on top. A plus sign in the round window means you're pregnant. Do you see the faintest of faint vertical lines? I thought maybe I did. But it was so light I thought maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see instead of what was there.
This is when I fished test #1 out of the trash. This time, I thought I saw the very faintest of lines I hadn't seen the day before. At this point I'm standing in the bathroom squinting at two sticks I have peed on wondering what the hell they mean and coming damn near close to hyperventilating. I have a friggin' law degree and I can't read a simple pregnancy test. Pathetic.
So, I did what I should have done in the first place. I got in the car, drove to Walgreens and picked up a digital pregnancy test.
The two minutes I waited for that test to stop flashing and tell me "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" might have been the longest of my life. Finally, the display stopped flashing and the word "Pregnant" appeared on the screen.
This is when the anti-anxiety medication really would have come in handy.
If you find yourself in the market for pregnancy tests, please for the love of all that is good and holy, do yourself a favor and pick up a digital test. You won't be sorry.
And because I can't get enough Juno...
Juno: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...
Juno: I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.